perspective

Dear friends

I feel the last several weeks have been fairly unbalancing for me… as if my life is ever balanced but things were OK and we were coping. Things have tipped and I know that any balance regained will be different. This is on account of family fractions, fractures, whatever you want to call it. It’s difficult and painful.

I admit, one of these is my doing… I couldn’t keep my mouth shut when listening to my children being compared (negatively) to other grandchildren in the family. The other, I am right in the middle, between two close family members.

Outwardly, I’ve tried to keep going. Praying, fasting, reading scriptures, listening to uplifting talks, trying to get some calm in myself. I’ve delved into work – which isn’t difficult since we are currently at technical design stage so lots to do – but I’ve had some ridiculously scary dreams… car going over a cliff with my dear husband and I inside, me on a motorcycle being rammed by a car but left unharmed, the car was written off, and then alien raptors attacking the city as we hid out in an edge of town estate. Trust me, these were very scary, very vivid dreams.

There’s been other things happening too – some members at church have passed away, the husband of a friend, the youngest sister of some friends of our children and the son of some other family friends who has children.

Physically our home is not settled as my dear husband arranged to have the kitchen replastered, before we’d ordered a new kitchen… the result, we’ve been camping out in the garden for washing up and cooking in the dining room – since end of December. (The end is near – new kitchen is installed next week).

During this winter of discontent, shall we say, there have been moments of enlightenment which have helped me regain my perspective.

Daur2 (who wants to study architecture) was discussing with me, on the way to school, how she’d got 17/30 in yet another maths test whereas the rest of the class got 20+. As I reassured her that it would be OK, she exclaimed, but you can say that, your successful!! I was quite surprised by this and asked her if she ever remembered me not being an architect. Daur2 doesn’t remember and I explained that it was 14 years between me finishing university and successfully getting a job where I could finish training, and the week after I was offered the job, we discovered Son2 was on his way, and all this after failing my final project submission at university and having to resubmit in the autumn.

We all have our moments – some last 14 years but that doesn’t mean we give up on our dreams.

Son2 and I had a discussion recently about 3D vision, and how if you close one eye, you see things in 2D, with no sense of depth. Our brain uses the information from two slightly different angles to give us that depth that we see. Our students at university have also been exploring this as they’ve been to draw sections – some make the mistake of drawing the section as a perspective, showing depth.

I realised that in my life, I can choose to view it in 2D, in a very linear manner, dictated by time. This can be quite limiting and discouraging as it gives a sense of running out of time or not having enough time.

Or I can choose to see events in 3D, things past, present and future, wide-screen, full surround sound. A bit like Ebenezer Scrooge’s experience of Christmas Eve night in A Christmas Carol. Essentially that helped gain perspective in his life.

So I’m training myself to approach my life and trials with perspective, seeing events and people more holistically. This is the correct view – anything else is like having one eye closed!

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known

(1 Corinthians chapter 13 verse 12)

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time for yourself – a poem

Dear friends,

I mentioned how a few weeks ago we cleared out the garage.  Well, I came across one of my old sketchbooks from university days, 1990-1991 and in the back was a poem I wrote for a project.  I think every RIBA School of Architecture does a ‘design a retreat’ project – no-one can claim that RIBA validated architecture courses are anything other than creative – I sketched the section of an onion, wrote poems and drew an androgynous figure!  Anyhow, I thought you might enjoy reading the poem – I’m not a poet, I’m an architect, so I’m sure the more literary among you will see room for improvement 🙂

time for myself

Time for myself and not for the world

of strife & malice …

and competition

to succeed, to win.

Why never to be yourself?

But here’s the chance

with a time of its own,

and still enough time for me.

So that I can grow,

in the world

but not of it.

A chance to dream, or rather ponder

without worry of waking,

work, food, work.

Here, at one with nature –

for are we not nature ourselves? –

we can be honest,

with nature,

with ourselves.

Having honesty enough not to hide

– we can hide but a short time in our dreams

from the world –

but if we are true to ourselves,

we need no dreams to hide in,

for we have nothing to fear.

The world can not harm us,

it can not touch us if we are honest,

showing integrity

being ourselves.

and then we can go back,

knowing that we’ve lived,

to our fullest potential,

And,

knowing that we had time for ourselves & not for the world,

living for that one dream, above all,

To return.

 

happily tired

Dear friends
When our eldest daughter woke me up to go running this morning, it was from the strangest dream. One of my incisors fell out and the leader of the opposition (well, before parliament was dissolved ahead the election in two weeks) was visiting a school project that I’d worked on.  It was embarrassing, trying to stay unseen and toothless.
So when our youngest son said he’d also had a strange dream but he didn’t want to talk about it, I can respect that!
The run/ walk was great and it’s great to see buildings in a different daylight, the sun not so high in the sky, different reflections of different building faces, than we usually see during working hours. 
And although I usually start my days with some scripture readings to feed my spirit; the run was also a great start as I know I am taking care of my body. I did do scripture reading this evening – and I am very grateful for our Heavenly Father who loves all of us and allows us to all be different.
I know I’m rambling a bit, I’m tired, maybe that’s what I’ll title this post, but it’s a good tired, and I’m sure to sleep well 🙂

dream talk

Dear friends, do you have dreams? I do. Quite regularly.  Growing up, my dear older sister, always claimed to never dream.  This I could never understand and I struggled to believe her – I always had such vivid dreams, I still remember some of my childhood dreams decades later! 
I also talked in my sleep and, as a small child, walked in my sleep – to the front door on one occasion!  I thought I had grown out of sleep talking until a few months ago my husband mentioned that I was talking about work during the night. I was shocked how in over 15 years of marriage he’d never mentioned that I sleep talk. My dear husband said it doesn’t bother him, sometimes he’s tried talking to me but I begin to awaken and ask why he’s talking in the middle of the night!! 
The common theme of my dreams is war.  Always I’m being chased or hunted.  Sometimes it’s a setting similar to the French Resistance Movement during World War 2; other times it’s more abstract and I’m the only one aware of the encroaching enemy, desperately trying to protect or warn others without revealing my own position to the enemy. 

I do feel some dreams have meaning – look at Joseph of Egypt and King Nebuchadnezzar with Daniel in the Bible – and contain messages from our Heavenly Father; maybe that’s the only way to get our attention.  I also feel some dreams are simply our minds sorting out the day’s events and emotions.  Through prayer we can gain answers and know the difference.

I’m writing about this because I had a war dream this week – not a memorable one like being hunted by terracotta warriors – but enough of one for me to wake with the familiar sensation of being in a terrifying situation.

So, what do you think?  I mentioned the war dreams to a friend once who said they also experience them. So, is it partly a reflection of the times we live in “wars and rumours of wars” or am I being warned, prepared, kept aware and on guard? I know it’s a bit of both:) and through prayer I am able to gain answers and comfort.